I can't decide which is worse

[apparentparadox]

I've been fairly bummed for the past couple of years mostly due to the election and what it says about my family, some of the people I (used to) hang out with, and the US. Not major depression, just a long time of being bummed; the metaphor I recently came up with was that I'm not on the edge, but I can see it from where I am.

Among the weird nit-picky things I've been thinking about lately is which of these bothers me most:

1. family/"friends" who are willing to sacrifice LGBTQ+ rights in order to get what they want politically (i.e. anyone who votes Republican)


2. those people thinking that I should still treat them like they're important to me.

Usually I believe it's the whole hypocrisy of thinking that I should still "love" them even though they obviously think that I'm not worth much to them.

But, either way, it's become clear to me that people who vote Republican or support churches like the Catholic church really don't care about me.

I've basically stopped talking to most of my family. My family used to be a major focus for me. Now I am finding myself resenting decisions Mark & I made in the past where we gave up stuff in order to put a focus on my family.

I've also given up square dancing. Mostly, that was because I was sick of the time/effort required to maintain a decent level of competency (studying by myself at home on a regular basis, and then trips to get some actual practice before making other trips to actually dance). But, a significant portion of the decision had to do with not wanting to be around a bunch of the square dancers who are Republican. Sure, those people are "friendly" towards LGBT folks, but why should I put in time/effort to be a better dancer when they're willing to sacrifice my rights to get what they want?

I haven't decided whether I should make my feelings known to these people -- or whether they're even worth the time/effort and I'll just slip away. Sure, I'll be polite to them if I'm ever in the same room with them, just as I would be polite to an acquaintance I don't have a lot invested in. In many ways, these people are like old neighbors from many years ago in that we used to have a reason to interact, and now we've gone our separate ways and so have little reason to put any effort into maintaining a relationship.


ps: There's also a bit of stress/sadness due to dealing with in-laws aging and losing abilities, and spending time/money trying to do what we can to help them out while they're still alive.

pps: I've got a support system of people who I do know care about me, and I'm not going through a major depression (I've done that before, I know the symptoms). I'm just unhappy.

Comments

[lcohen]

i identify with so much of the square dance part of this except substitute shapenote singing for square dancing. i am fortunate that our local shapenote singers are mostly great, but you don't have to go to a singing very far away to find a roomful of people where i can't talk about anything BUT shapenote singing without getting into deep waters. also i am more fortunate in most of my family--i went through the hard parts 35 years ago and came out the other side.

otoh, i am perfectly willing to adopt you if you're willing to be young enough to be adopted when you choose your age this year.

(and i am extra sad that you aren't square dancing because that means i don't get to benefit from your annual trip to chicago!!!!)

*sends hugs*

[apparentparadox]

Yes, I do miss seeing you.

Thanks for the offer, but I'll probably always be too old for you to adopt me -- I'm almost always older than Mark, and that just seems to work out well, which makes me too old to be adopted.

[nosrednayduj]

Come to Boston and dance with us! If there's any republicans in our tapegroup they must just be silent about it when we are ragging on national politics at the break.

I'm sorry you are unhappy, and I miss you. Even if you stay dropped out of dancing, I will try not to let you "slip away" from my thoughts.

[apparentparadox]

If I still lived in the SF Bay Area, I'd probably just dance at tape group and never at a live dance, but it's not worth the effort to keep studying C4 just to occasionally pop into an evening tape group.

At some of the theater talkback events I go to, there is often very vocal complaining about national politics. I used to feel a bit sorry for the Republicans in the room, but now I think that they should understand how hateful their policies are and how they may have gotten what they wanted, but they should pay a price.

[dendren]

I think I know what you are talking about here, it's not ***DEPRESSION!!!*** but it's something unlike any downs I've had before. My general daily life is pretty awesome and wonderful in so many ways, but the whole world just feels not right and darkness just seems to be everywhere. The only word I can think of is hopelessness but that isn't quite it either. Whatever it is, it sucks.

big hugs, I miss your more frequent trips down this way.

[apparentparadox]

I think hopelessness sums it up pretty well. Maybe eventually the pendulum will swing back, but so many things the Republicans are doing are going to have very long lasting effects that won't be easy to correct.