Guilty Pleasure
Mar. 5th, 2007 12:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
apparentparadoxSeveral yeas ago, my father stopped talking to me. Although it hurt me incredibly at the time, as the anniversary of that date approaches, I realize that now I'm actually happy about the whole thing. I no longer have to deal with his cutting comments, or worry about doing something that will send him into a rage or feel badly when I don't live up to some perfectionist notion of his. These days, when I hear about him blowing up at someone, it's always at quite a distance -- literally, since he avoids being in the same room as me. When Mark & I visited TN, I got to have a nice time with my sister & mother, and could just relax and didn't have to worry about my father wanting to leave 10 minutes after arriving, or complaining because the kids at my niece's high school rehearsal for "The Music Man" were acting like kids.
Part of me hopes that he never wants to reconcile, because the current state of affairs is just fine by me. Part of me fears that he'll wait until my mother dies and then start a reconciliation. I know that I'll work towards reconciling if he makes the effort. Family is very important to me, and I know that if he makes an effort, then it would be best for the entire family if I make an effort as well. I love my sisters & brothers & mother, so for their sakes, I'll try to be open to reconciling.
But there are times that I really hope he never makes that first step.
[Edit: For those who don't know, my father stopped talking to me several years ago when Mark & I were going to get married in SF. Even though he's known I'm gay for years and actually likes Mark, this was apparently too much for him, and he snapped. He severed all ties with me, doesn't acknowledge me when I'm in the same room, etc. He planned to remove all pictures of me from his house, but my mother put her foot down on that idea. But, as far as he is concerned, I'm a non-entity, not even someone to be polite to when in the same room.]
Part of me hopes that he never wants to reconcile, because the current state of affairs is just fine by me. Part of me fears that he'll wait until my mother dies and then start a reconciliation. I know that I'll work towards reconciling if he makes the effort. Family is very important to me, and I know that if he makes an effort, then it would be best for the entire family if I make an effort as well. I love my sisters & brothers & mother, so for their sakes, I'll try to be open to reconciling.
But there are times that I really hope he never makes that first step.
[Edit: For those who don't know, my father stopped talking to me several years ago when Mark & I were going to get married in SF. Even though he's known I'm gay for years and actually likes Mark, this was apparently too much for him, and he snapped. He severed all ties with me, doesn't acknowledge me when I'm in the same room, etc. He planned to remove all pictures of me from his house, but my mother put her foot down on that idea. But, as far as he is concerned, I'm a non-entity, not even someone to be polite to when in the same room.]